mak allison

This season of life for me has looked different than I expected. I have delt with more anxiousness, worries, stress and comparisons than how I thought this semester would go. After camp, I really thought my feelings of strength and dependence and free-spiritedness would just continue but moving back to Manhattan was way harder than expected.

Camp this past summer was hard- don’t get me wrong. I learned so much about patience, dependence and grew so dang much. But I left camp feeling fulfilled, purposeful and in a great place in my faith. I was excited to move but as I was packing and preparing, a growing anxiety started to form. This anxiety would actually get diagnosed as OCD. I got so fearful and scared of these elaborate scenarios I formed in my head and was convinced they were real. It started at home and transitioned into my new house. It was all about control and seeking a degree of certainty. My mind would spiral on what-if and checking and all of it would only further increase itself. The more I checked, the more I worried.

So yes, this season has been lots of exposure response therapy. I force myself into situations (that are still uncertainty safe) and allow myself to sit with the uncomfortable thoughts and feelings but not engage in the compulsion to do it.

I have never liked sitting with my emotions or feeling them for that matter, this is something that I have had to grow and grow in. But I realized, with the help of therapy and medication, that my OCD thoughts are noble and have good intentions but only further limit me. They desire to protect me and keep me safe from everything that could hurt me, something I haven’t always experienced, but they don’t serve me. These thoughts lead me to limit myself and the things I do out of fear.

A prayer I have been praying is asking the Lord to get in my head in the morning before I do. Before my fears, worries, and thoughts. My mind is deeply deceitful and if left to its own devices would destroy me.

I am a big reader- I love books and also love talking about books, and recently I read The Screwtape Letters by CS Lewis. It is from the perspective of a senior demon, Screwtape, to his nephew Wormwood. The book is a series of letters written about the progress of temptation of a human’s soul though lies and deceitfulness. A quote that I underlined reads this:

“Indeed, the safest road to Hell is the gradual one- the gentle slope, soft underfoot, without sudden turnings, without milestones, without signposts.”

My life slowly started to be filled with these thoughts and desire for control, and I was unaware to it until it filled my whole life and mind. It started small and grew and grew and then it was all I could seem to think about. This is how sin in our life works.

When I became aware and started to address my feelings, I realized how deep and far this had gone and began to align my thoughts and heart towards the Creator. I cannot control what my mind thinks of but I can control what I choose to do with these thoughts. I can let my mind run or I can submit them to the Lord and hand over the control that I am so desperately seeking. Some scripture I have been resting in is Philippians 4:4-8! a classic!

In whatever season you are in, whether you are dealing with fears that feel louder than truth, or doubts that cloud your sense of purpose, know that you are not alone. The Lord draws near—not just in the mountaintop moments, but in the valleys where your thoughts feel tangled and heavy. He is present in the quiet, in the school, in the work, in the laundry, and in the hard. You don’t have to have it all figured out to be held by His grace. You don’t have to feel strong to be strengthened by His strength. The invitation is simply to come—to bring your spirals, your questions, your weariness—and lay them at the feet of the One who sees you fully and loves you completely.

Lord, I pray and ask that you would get in my head before I do!